CHAPTER 16- A PRAYER FOR SELF CONTROL

  I woke up the next morning suddenly feeling something cold on my forehead. I opened my eyes slowly as I saw my mum wearing a worried expression. 'What happened? Why did I feel weak yesternight?' 

  "I don't know what your problem is, always reading every time to the extent that you developed a fever", my mum said and a drop of tears fell from my eyes. If only she knew I have been developing feelings for boys the same well I developed one for a girl.

  "I'm sorry mum, I only slept around 11 pm after reading a book, I never knew It would result in fever this morning", I said feeling guilty for stressing my mum.

  " Just rest, you won't be going to your dad's Pharmacy today. This is your breakfast, eat some and take some medicines", she said leaving me with my food, medicine, and thoughts.

  I am still finding it difficult to deal with that shocking news yesterday night. That explains why I always feel somehow around the boys I thought I admired. I was only attracted to them, what a shame", I thought as I felt a pain in my head.

  I quickly dropped the thoughts, ate little from my food, and used the medicines my mum gave to me. 

   The whole weekend was not a good one for me as I kept thinking about the whole attraction of a thing. The fact that what I have felt is termed an 'abomination to the society, made me feel more guilty. The thought of telling my parents about my new feeling faded instantly. I wondered how the scene would be, and the only conclusion in my mind is that it would be disastrous.

   My parents are loving, kind, and patient but whose parents would not feel strange when their child tells them he or she has feelings for the same sex, especially in a country like Nigeria.

    I gave up on thinking as fast as possible to avoid any pressure or looks I think I might get. The best thing I could do for now was to keep the secret to myself but try to talk to one person. The only person that would not blame me for developing feelings for the same sex. The Almighty being, GOD.

    The night of Sunday when everyone has slept off, I sit on my bed, ready to make my prayers. I was feeling much better from the trauma that made me develop a fever. I am a Christian and I could still remember how my mum used to remind me to talk to God no matter the situation I was in. 

   I am presently in a deep situation of 'intrinsic magnitude' and the only solution is to make my sentiment aloud. I feel God is my creator and knows about my situation. It will be much easier to tell him.

  "Oh God of mercy, I am in a situation I never thought I would be. I am developing feelings for the same sex. I pray for your help, to give me self-control. Please guide my thoughts and help me guard against improper desires. I promise you not to ever give in to my sexual cravings, please give me discipline and self-control," I prayed as tears flowed down my face.

   That very night I let out those emotions of mine, telling my problems out. I felt a burden lifted out of myself as I felt at ease, my body becoming light as a feather. My body raced with a good sensation, a warm feeling flowing through my body as I smiled in the dark.

    I cleaned my tears ready to pick up my next phase of challenges, and that is to control my growing feelings for both Ethan and Rachael. I have to get rid of at least one of those feelings. I leaned back on my bed with the final resolution to avoid Ethan for some time.

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   I got to school the next day with a less heavy heart and to say I felt relieved a lot after that prayer was true. I strolled through the hallway as I tried to think of the possible ways to avoid Ethan for some time. I could not think of one, it only brings images of him in my imaginary lane, which was not helping matters.

   I  got to the class only to notice that Ethan was not in the class, which made me less disturbed. Ethan came late that day looking quite exhausted, which means he might have little time for me.

    The whole week continued with my whole charade of going to the library during free periods and long breaks. Most times when he brings up something for us to discuss, I just ignore him, without failing to see the disappointment written on his face.

   Going back to the book has made me realized from the experiences of other teens, that same-sex attraction can happen in some people. That only makes my heart quiver at the high tendency of Ethan getting attracted to me, and becoming entangled in this WEIRD FEELING of mine. It would be best if I am the only one developing this feeling and not him or even someone else.

   Sometimes, the thought of getting into a fight comes to my mind, to break our friendship. I have tried it out but it only ends up worse as I get more drawn in my attraction for him. As for the fight, he always remains calm or turns it into a joke, not taking any of my attitude to heart.

   As an SSS3 student aspiring for higher education, I can't help but develop cold feet at the tendency of the same sexes attracted to me. That thought kept nagging at the back of my mind, and I feel helpless. I wanted nothing but a peaceful life but it seems my hormones have a different thing for me.

   

   The closing time came as the students of Beatitude College gathered in the school hall.

  "Tomorrow is the English day," the Principal announced as noise rented the air.

  According to Rachael, the English day is usually done every year. It was created by the Principal to showcase different English dresses, styles, and attires. This would be my first time witnessing it and I hope it would be great.

  I could hear the girls giggling and whispering about what they would put on. A loud bang erupted sending the hall silent, silent as a graveyard.

  "As I was saying before some set of mosquitoes bite, you are all expected to put on English dresses. No putting on skimpy or revealing dresses especially the girls. Boys should avoid sagging or having improper haircuts. You should all behave like responsible students of Beatitude College," the Principal declared sternly and left the podium for the Vice-principal(Academics) to give other announcements.

   "I hope to see you tomorrow dressing like a professor. I have missed you and can't wait to see you tomorrow," Ethan's voice rang as his breath fanned my ear. I could not help but freeze at that point as a sensation went down my spine. I turned as I saw him being dragged by some of his friends. He smiled and winked at me, as I blushed slightly.

    I felt all the sparks I have managed to keep at bay coming back to life. The feeling I have been trying to control towards Ethan suddenly roaring back to life. I feel so lost in this feeling, this WEIRD FEELING.