"I am just joking, I don't even know your situation, but it is a very good book, try to read it", Stephen offered. I could not help but feel giddy hoping I would find a solution to my admiration for boys.
I thanked him continuously before leaving as I scrolled through the book on my way to the class. Either it is admiration or not, I will surely find the answers to my doubting mind.
*********
I got home that Friday and I couldn't be more joyous than ever when I saw my older brother Matthew at home. He just finished his 200 Level Second Semester as a student of Business Administration and he would be staying at home for more than 2 months. ' Maybe if I find answers to the big question in my mind, I can share it with him. I just hope he listens and helps too', I thought
My brother and I talked throughout the afternoon, and I must confess nothing has changed about him. He is still the same Matthew, talk less as usual. I believe he should be gisting me about university life but it is quite different as I am the one telling him about the crazy moments in my school, while he talks briefly about his school.
Night finally drew near as I finished my dinner and crept to my bedroom with the book Stephen gave me. My brother has already settled in the other bedroom with his phone and earpiece watching a movie. I felt like joining him in his room but couldn't after remembering I had to read that book, and I might be invading his privacy. He is 4 years older than me.
I read through the pages of the book and I must confess the topics are really interesting. It has different sections, each section giving more details to a topic each.
Section 1 talks about the opposite sex, dating, and virginity, section 2 explaining life changes in teenagers' life. Section 3 expatiate on friendship and friendship issues while section 4 talks about schools and peers. Section 5 and 6 explain everything relating to money, parents, and living a happy life with your parents.
I was still reading until I reached chapter section 7 which has to deal with 'feelings'. I saw a topic which caught my attention ' How can I Avoid Homosexuality?' and I suddenly grew interested in the topic.
I read through the experiences of teenagers who were mentioned in the book. I saw a particular point that says
'But what if you feel attracted to a member of the same sex, does that makes you homosexual? The answer was a No and it was explained that 'Because one might be in his\her bloom of youth, and might have this involuntary sexual arousal'.
I facepalmed myself as I used my right hand to clean the beads of sweat on my forehead. The truth was clear to me now.
I felt my whole body vibrate at the fact that I am developing feelings for the same sex. It was not admiration but same-sex attraction. I was attracted to the same sex all along. This is impossible,' I thought. I only admired them right? I kept asking myself as tears trickle down my face
Cleaning the tears, I started scanning the book for a solution. Every problem has a solution, mine should have one,' I tried reassuring myself, as I stifled my sobs.
I kept opening the pages of the book but could not pinpoint a particular solution.
As for now, I can't stop the attraction until I am past my bloom of youth or when my hormones stop fluctuating.
My mind flashed back to those I have been attracted to. I was attracted to Kabir because he was cute and charming. My second attraction which was Daniel was a weird one because I like his angry face which looks attractive to me. Ife, my third attraction has this killer smile and that kept me in a craving state. Bazeet facial features made me have this sparkle that glows in my body, his pink lips drew me.
Paul, my 5th attraction, was a joker, but I felt warm inside when I saw him smile. Ethan, my 6th attraction was the last person I would have thought of getting attracted to. I connected the dots and realized I never had this great esteem(admiration) for them, their physical features drew me into a trance of attraction.
The cold night caused a cold sensation as I felt goosebumps. I have been attracted to six boys my entire life.
My body starts becoming numb at the thoughts of having a same-sex attraction for the past 2 years. I looked further into the book and noticed another point but knowing that the problem within me might not get a solution hurts me the most
I am not sure of any solution to end it, to end my problem, my problem of 'same-sex attraction'. The strange part is that I am presently developing two feelings for two different people. I am having an attraction for the same sex for Ethan and at the same time, I have a crush on Rachael, so pathetic.
When will this attraction stop? Will I be free from those imaginations? What if others start developing attraction towards me especially when I am epicene( have both male and female characteristics).
Tears welled up my eyes as I thought about all this. It would have been better if I had not known the truth about this. At least I won't have the thoughts of being gay constantly knocking my mind even though I knew I did not involve myself in homosexual acts.
I am slowly moving out of the normal life I wished for. My life will be filled with dealing with two feelings at a time. My feminine part of me is developing the attraction for Ethan while the masculine part of me is developing a crush on Rachael.
I am presently attracted to Ethan and crushing on Rachael, how stupid of me", I thought as I quietly sobbed lying on the bed. I felt weak instantly, as a gasp escaped my mouth. My whole body temperature started increasing suddenly, and my eyelids started closing.
I began to hear voices in my head. 'You hate gays, but you are now one. You are attracted to your seatmate. What if others become attracted to you? You are in big trouble.
I closed my eyes tightly as I slowly blackout.
I woke up the next morning suddenly feeling something cold on my forehead. I opened my eyes slowly as I saw my mum wearing a worried expression. 'What happened? Why did I feel weak yesternight?'"I don't know what your problem is, always reading every time to the extent that you developed a fever", my mum said and a drop of tears fell from my eyes. If only she knew I have been developing feelings for boys the same well I developed one for a girl."I'm sorry mum, I only slept around 11 pm after reading a book, I never knew It would result in fever this morning", I said feeling guilty for stressing my mum.
I got to school the next day putting on my English attire. I hardly chose as my daddy and younger brother helped me with it. My elder brother, Matthew did not say anything in regards to the attire, still the old Matthew.I later settled for a sky blue shirt, black trousers, a waistcoat with a bow tie to match. I also had to put on a black hat, pair of glasses, and a rocking black pair of shoes. I must confess I looked like a Professor.As I walked through the corridors, some of the juniors walked up to me to take selfies with me."Senior Michael, you look 'take away'. I do not mind be
My heart raced as my eyes scanned his facial expressions but I could not draw out that he was lying. He is telling the truth, no way, I'm freaking out."What? You stole it?" my voice quivered as my eyes opened wide bewildered by the reply I got from him.He stood straight, looking at me confidently as my face crept into a frown."Ha! I got you. I love that look on your face", he said.My muscle relaxed as I felt stupid for falling for his brainless tricks. I glared at him as he quickly apologiz
Dear Diary,' Long time, I've missed writing my thoughts. I am writing this down as a result of a new finding in my life. I just realized a week ago that I have been attracted to six boys my whole life.As much as it hurts to have that kind of feeling, I have to be positive and not think too much about it. I must have developed feelings for the same sex due to my hormone fluctuation.Learning I had a feeling for the opposite sex light up my world as it made me feel less depressed about that weird feeling.
#FLASHBACKMy family and I were sitting at the dining table for dinner on a Friday night 2hen my dad mentioned that I should inform him when the application for JAMB examinations is available. The JAMB form has been available for close to a week, which I obviously did not inform my dad about.The thought of writing that examination, which was a very important criteria for higher education, only left a bitter taste at the back of my tongue. My sixth sense no doubt kept wandering about the consequences of gaining admission into the university. I felt shivers down my body, especially with one of the decisions I made recently.
"Ethan is sick?" I asked to confirm."Yep," Joshua replied, patting my back before leaving my worried self. Ethan is sick? How is that possible?' I questioned myself as I felt concerned for him.I saw him this morning and he was looking hale and hearty. We talked as he even tried to convince me to come to the school hostel. I even forced him to revise his Biology. We concluded the Biology and the next thing was that he was nowhere to be found.I quickened my pace as I hurriedly went to the sickbay. I walked slowly down the corridors of the sickbay when I heard some known voices of some of my classmates.I moved towards the open
It has been over 3 weeks, and a lot of things have happened. The WAEC examination came to an end, and I must confess, I felt as if a burden had been lifted off my shoulder. That very day we concluded our examination, we(the SSS3 students) made our way to the staff room, each one of us saying our words of appreciation to our teachers.All the teachers held on a beautiful smile as they said their blessings, wishing us a good future ahead. We all went back to the hall, with one less task off our way. I decided in my heart to use the next two weeks to rest and prepare for my next examination, the NECO EXAMINATION. Yes, the NECO examination, an exam that is also as important as the previous one.As much as I love reading, I would rather cancel that examination, but
It was Tuesday morning and right now, I am talking to my second female bestie, Gloria, by the window side. The light air that blows gives me goosebumps as it finally dawned on me that today will make it the last day for the conclusion of our NECO examination.Angst clouded my mind, mostly with anxiety and fright in my body, and to say my emotions are well figured out will be a lie."Earth to Michael", Gloria's voice jolted me out of my reverie, as I quickly put on a smile which she frowned at.Her arms were folded and her expressions show that I have not been paying less attention to what she was saying." I'm sorry for the bre