Chapter 13- Breathe

“I can’t believe you and Cole broke up.” Amara says sitting across from me, at her favorite restaurant. She wanted to take me out for lunch since I’m going through a tough time. She called me last night telling me to get ready to go out today because she wants to cheer me up.

I finally had the courage to tell them that Cole and I are on a break, for two weeks I let them believe that we were working through a small fight. But after 14 whole days of him ignoring me and pretending I didn’t exist at school I had, had enough. I sent Amara and Gina a PSA text and here we are.

They are both distraught and concerned for my well-being.

“They didn’t break up Amara, they’re on a break,” Gina says a little too loudly. The couple in front of us turns and looks at me with so much pity, I almost feel sorry for myself. I could ask Gina to speak quietly but what’s the point? It’s out there now; the strangers in the restaurant might as well know my business too.

“But what does that even mean?” Amara says looking at me, asking the question the same I’ve been asking myself the same question for the past 14 days. What do I do now?

Cole has been acting like the happiest and most unbothered bachelor at school. He doesn’t even look at me when I walk down the hall. A few days ago I said hi to him and he and his friends just ignored me. He’s treating me like a total stranger.

I was so hurt and confused, does me asking for my needs to be met mean war?   Am I supposed to pretend he doesn’t exist too? Do we stop talking to each other, do we pretend not to know each other anymore? He hasn’t said a word to me since that conversation on the stands. And I don’t know how to feel about the whole thing.

I can understand him being hurt but does he have to be so rude to me?

“It means they’re taking time out to figure out what they want from their relationship. Right, Golden?” Gina says smiling at me. I nod not really sure what to think.

He’s treating me like he treats the less popular kids at school. The more he does it, the less I like him.

It makes me not like the people we represent; the popular kids in school who treat others badly. This whole experience has given me a lot to think about.

I thought I wanted the time off from our relationship. I thought I wanted something different but now I’m seeing things differently.

Without Cole, I feel like I’m having an identity crisis. If I’m not the popular “it” girl I was dubbed by the school then who am I?

I feel like I don’t know who I am. Cole has been a big part of my school life and I feel like I don’t know where my place is without our relationship. Even people at school are starting to look at me differently, almost like they too are trying to figure out who I am.

“Well whatever this all means, we’re here for you,” Amara says touching my hand softly.

“I appreciate that,” I say and smile at her.

I spend the rest of lunch with my mind drifting in and out of the conversation. I really would rather be home, under a soft throw binge watching something that will make me feel all good and gooey inside. But I have to suck it up and sit here with my friends, they made the effort to cheer me up. So I’m going to be grateful and participate; they’re trying to be kind to me and I appreciate them for that.

 “Should we go get an ice cream?” Amara asks when we’re done with lunch.  She looks at me to see what my answer is. I smile and nod yes to her suggestion. Although I would rather go home, I know they expect me to go with them. We do this almost every other weekend and I have a weird feeling Amara is waiting for me to alter that routine so she can say something.

She does feel like I changed too, she and Cole feel like I’m turning into someone new and they don’t like it. So I go to get ice cream because I don’t need one more person to fight with. I’ll deal with Amara after I have worked through my situation with Cole.

“Yeah, sure.” I say and we head out across the street to an ice cream shop. As soon as we walk through the door I’m reminded of the ice cream date Leo had with his siblings. The thought makes me smile; I wonder how they’re doing.  It would be cool to hang out but I know I need to deal with my stuff. I like hanging out with them too much to bring my Cole drama into their lives. Leo deserves better than that.

We buy our ice cream and find a table.  I drift and think about that day in the ice cream shop. Mina is so smart and insightful. She just speaks her mind; she doesn’t hide who she is. She’s both strong and thoughtful at the same time; she’s so much like her brother; only she’s not quiet like he is. She’s going to grow up to be an amazing young woman. Jon is just a sweet and gentle young man, Leo is doing such a great job with them. It blows my mind that an 18-year-old is raising them. He’s raising amazing human beings.

“There’s nothing an ice cream cone can’t cure. Look you’re smiling now.” Amara says to me and I’m confused for a split second. I didn’t even realize I was still smiling thinking about Leo.

“You’re right ice cream is the best,” Gina says smiling at me too.

“Yeah,” I say and that seems to make them smile even more. I guess they’re proud they found the cure for my broken heart.

“You’re going to get back together in no time. Don’t worry about Cole he’ll come around.” Amara says bringing Cole back up.

“Totally!” Gina says adding her enthusiasm to Amara’s declaration. I nod and look out the window; I don’t really want to spend anymore of my energy on Cole anymore.

He seems to be doing him, I think I should take his lead and concentrate on what I want. That’s the whole point of this break, right? I’m taking time out to see what I want; without him. So I’m going to do just that.

At home

“Hi honey, I didn’t know you were back.” My mom says walking into the family room. My dad looks at me over her shoulder. He has grocery bags in his hands. The moment he sees me he puts his worried look on.

I guess I look bad, I’m in my comfortable sweatpants, my hair is down and I have my popcorn and butter on deck. I haven’t done this in a long time and it feels good. I feel good and so comfortable.

“Hey, Goldie.” He greets me using his pet name for me. He only uses it when he thinks something is wrong. And I guess the fact that I’m already back from my girl’s date with my friends is a huge indication. On a normal weekend, I wouldn’t be back until 7 pm, so the fact that I’m back two hours after is surprising.

I’ll give them that, this is a first in a very long time. I’ll give them time to get used to it.

“Hey guys,” I say ignoring their concerned looks, nothing is wrong. I’m right where I want to be, under a nice blanket watching my absolute favorite dog movie. Marley and me. My dad passes the family room and goes to the kitchen giving us some privacy. My mom walks into the room and sits next to me.

“Are you okay?” She asks brushing my hair softly.

“Yeah, I’m good,” I say leaning into her touch. I’m definitely where I need to be.

“Is everything okay with Amara and Gina?” She asks trying to be as delicate as possible, just in case something went terribly wrong.

“We’re fine. I came home early because I just didn’t feel like running around town today. A cozy day in, in order; I would rather be home.”  I say putting her out of her misery. She was going to sit here and ask me all these questions until she plies the real reason I’m home out of me.

My mom and I have an odd relationship, I can talk to my dad about anything but; when it comes to my mom I can’t seem to open up. She tries to reach out to me but I don’t know why it’s hard for me to share with her what I’m feeling.

“Okay, honey but just know if you do want to talk about something, your father and I are here for you.” She says and I nod.

We sit in silence for a while watching the movie.

“This is a great movie.” She says laughing.

“It really is,” I say and we sit together comfortably and glued to the screen. I feel my body relax, I take a deep breath and let it out feeling so calm. This is exactly what I need, just a moment to just exist without other people’s voices and opinions about me.  

 Suddenly we hear pots and pans falling in the kitchen. The rattle breaks the tranquil sound that had washed over us a second ago. I look and my mom and she already knows what’s going on. My dad is trying to cook and he is not the cook of the family. My mom is!

“Let me go see what your father is doing before he burns down the house.” She says standing up and walking to the kitchen. She closes the family room door and I’m grateful for her thoughtfulness. I was enjoying the quiet and if my father is in the kitchen, quiet is a luxury.

“Honey.” I hear my mother say as she closes the door.