Bang...
Bang...
BANG!
The deafening slam of the metal rod on the cold hard floor shook me every time he slammed it down. Sometimes he would do so with such force that the ground beneath would shiver under his wrath. Even that unmoving smirk on his face screamed volumes than his words or actions did.
"I remember the first time I saw you. With that small little smile and those big teary eyes, you looked so fragile and broken. Your need to hide everything behind that pretty face was what drew me closer to you." His calloused fingers slowly dragged from my right shoulder to my left as he came by and stood behind me.
I had no idea where this was headed to or what he wanted it to head to. His words confused me more by each passing second and no matter what, I couldn't find any memories of what he claimed had happened.
"It was Christmas Eve. You and your family came to our house for dinner. Shy and quiet with your head bowed down by an invisible weight on your shoulders; people hardly noticed you, although I don't blame them. You were almost invisible in those quiet shadows you chose to hide." After placing the rod against the chair, he placed both of his hands on each of my shoulders and started massaging them by drawing slow circles with his deft fingers.
Breathing was almost impossible for me, yet I didn't want to give up, I didn't give up as I took a ragged breath inside my lungs and kept fidgeting my hands in hopes of somehow freeing them from the sharp bite of the zip ties. He knew that I was fighting back and somehow I wanted him to know that I was still alive and will be as long as I fought back. Yet he didn't stop me from doing so.
"I wanted to talk to you so badly, a teenage dream of sorts. Or maybe a crush perhaps. It's funny how I look back at those moments and realize the strange similarities of situations that made us behave almost exactly the same. Maybe that's what drew me towards you. Perhaps I thought you would understand me in the sea of faces, understand and share my pain." I didn't want to listen to whatever he said. My sole focus should have been on tugging my hands-free from the bounds and somehow escape although there was no chance of success.
"Your obnoxious family, on the other hand, were so pathetically good at suppressing you and acting oblivious to the stares they received that people around believed them except of course who already knew." His grip tightened on my shoulders with a reminder of some unknown memory that I had no idea about. I could almost hear him grind his teeth together as he struggled to keep himself under control but failed every now and then.
What could have happened to him? Did he go through the same things that I had to bear? Or...worse?
"The pink dress you wore looked so beautiful on you. In fact, that's the only dress I ever saw you wear afterward and every time you visited. The small round neck with a white collar, long sleeves, yellow little bows, and red roses. I remember it all like it was just yesterday." The gentleness of his hands was back again as he tried to soothe me while completely ignoring my tears of distress.
"As if the sleeves were not long enough, I would notice you tugging at them, trying to hide whatever laid underneath. You truly were a mysterious beauty and I wanted to find out all about you, hold you close and never let go even though you were just eleven, and I was seventeen." Eleven...I hardly remember anything from that age or after that or even before that. I try not to think about them, I don't want to. It makes everything so much easier. Some memories are better hidden and buried forever even though the grave leaves a mark.
He removed one of his hands away from my shoulder and the next thing I heard was the rustle of clothes. Something was placed in front of my eyes, something square, that blocked the harsh glare of the spotlight falling on my face. Too scared and afraid of whatever it was, I clenched my eyes shut and tilted my head towards my shoulder as a feeble act of defence and waited for whatever was about to happen next.
When seconds turned into minutes and still nothing happened, I dared to squint my eyes open and see what was happening around. That square piece of paper was still held in front of my face for me to react and him to enjoy.
The strong beam of light made it very difficult for me to see the print on it but soon enough I realized that I was looking at a picture.
A picture of me when I was eleven.
Maybe it was the close proximity I shared with him or perhaps it was the poor ventilation in the dark empty room but whatever it was, I couldn't breathe any more. It's like at that moment I didn't know how to. The ability to concentrate or focus on anything was absolutely impossible when that taunting piece of past dangled in front of my eyes so hauntingly. For a moment it almost seemed like an illusion, something my mind had concocted out of its own accord in such a stressful and panicking situation. But... I wanted it to be a lie, I hoped it was and so the urge to touch and feel and believe that polaroid's true presence, with slightly yellowing edges, was immense. At the same time, I wanted it nowhere near me. I wanted to burn it, to tear it into bits and pieces, to destroy it because it triggered a longforgottenor rather suppressed memory that I never wanted to resurface up again. Say cheese!!! That sickly sweet voice rang in my ears and tore t
"Say cheese!" My mother who seemed unusually excited chimed in her shrill voice to grab the attention of the room full of people, standing in scattered small clusters, as she took pictures of them and their loud smiles. A moment captured in time forever, a memory which would hardly ever be recalled again but it succeeded in achieving what she wanted. To show how happy and silly we were. The truth? Not so much. That was the point. These pictures, these happy smiles, these parties, it has always been the point. To avoid suspicion, to act normal, to blend in. Getting people's affirmations felt like having a subconscious conscience where everything they did was justified, and they knew that if something ever happened then they will always be supported by these people who didn't know the harsh reality of their true faces. She tucked a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear as for a moment her facade broke and with that still pearly white smile on her
The cold touch of something stroking my bare arm rose a trail of goosebumps in its wake and left me shivering. It was a moment of oblivion, a welcome one since I didn't know where I was, who I was with. At that moment the man with the green eyes didn't exist and neither did his unthinkable and unpredictable plans saved for me. This stage in between consciousness and unconscious was the most relief I could possibly have and live in and although it lasted for a few seconds, I was left with the yearning for more before I opened my eyes and faced the inevitable reality of being caged in the arms of my captor. The warmth of his breath fanned my bare neck, shuddering the wisps of my unkempt hair back and forth. I dared not to breathe at all and clenched my eyes shut in the hopes of falling into the darkness of sleep again, but it was all in vain. I heard him smirk behind me as his ice-cold fingers kept trailing and drawing figures on my arm which I couldn't quite understand.
Liza. A shiver ran down my spine as I realized how much I miss her. The shine in her eyes every time she made her favourite chocolate filled cookies and then ate almost all of them because she loved them so much. How she always talked about doing crazy things to her hair but settled for the least ridiculous option. The way she knew her way around everything and never really failed. Oblivious of the charm she had and the light she spread. The first person who stepped into my life and made me realize that all people are not the same. That there is more to the world outside my cage. The first person for whom I almost opened the door. A girl who didn't care about why I was silent. She respected my privacy and understood boundaries better than anyone. She never pushed too hard neither did she let me get through things myself. She just always knew what to do in situations where nothing could be done. Unlike me. I wish I could say that it w
I was not in control. From the moment I met him, I never was. He had this twisted charm that made everything work in his favour always, or maybe he was so stubborn that everything just curled under his unrelenting clench. A man so intransigent, lost to the reasoning of right and wrong, and in control. The numbness was all that I could feel and welcome as I let myself drift into the unknown harmony that controlled me; that I have never heard before yet played so smoothly like it was a part of me. A version of me I knew better than anyone. A version of me that nobody knew. It's funny how time can exist, freeze, move forward, backward, and then forward again. Suddenly it doesn't exist at all. What's left is an irreplaceable shadow that doesn't reoccur ever again. It's always the first and the last, yet we like to pretend that it's the same the next time even though it will never be the same. The exact same shadow that once was created is
I was not quite awake when tears started streaming down my cheeks, making me wince at the harsh reality of what's happening. I didn't want this, I don't want this. I just want this to be over with. The urge to even breathe had left my body as I cried uncontrollably and hugged a pillow closer to my chest to shut the bleeding hole in my chest. It was empty, and I wanted everything to just end right then and there. So much pain, it was unbearable. You have to stay strong. As much as I wanted to stop crying, I couldn't. It didn't make me feel weak but instead, I felt free of the bonds that held everything together for so long. I wanted Liza by my side no matter what and I wanted her safe. Whatever has been happening has gone for too long, and I was over it. The sudden surge of pulsating adrenaline made me sit up as my eyes sprang open, and my hands rubbed my tears away. I was done. Heaving deeply, I tried to muster up all my strength and got out of bed to the bat
I hated the way his lips slyly twisted into a smirk. Hands in his pockets and form leaning against the door frame of the room he came out of while his eyes shining like the scales of a snake stared at me intensely, enjoying the situation that has come forward as a perfect opportunity to toy with me. It's funny how delusional I was to consider him a friend and let him stay over the night, meet Liza, and wreck my life from the shadows. Ivan turned out to be one of the biggest regrets of my life. "Is our poor little Rosie lost in this huge mansion? This place is marvellous isn't it?" He pushed himself off the door frame and started walking deeper into the house. A sigh of relief was just about to leave my lips when he stopped midway and turned his head to the side slightly dropping enough hints that it was far from over. I followed his footsteps as he walked in front of me slowly, taking his sweet time to enjoy the uncomfortable heavine
I felt suffocated. Bound inside this body, I felt nothing but a stranger as I struggled to sustain my sanity. The pounding ache in my head didn't help either as I blinked slowly, trying to understand and comprehend the words that Ivan just said. What did he say again? I heard something, I saw his lips move, but the piercing static in my ears didn't let those words swim through. Everything was wrong. Everything was so wrong, and I wanted nothing more than this to end. I wanted this to be over with yet no matter how much I clawed from the inside of this body, this reality, I couldn't. Suppressing the urge to puke my guts out, I gulped deeply. His eyes noticing my every move not bothering me at all as it would have. "What did you say?" Tricked by my spiralling head, I could hardly catch what he said. A poor attempt from my brain, trying to hide the truth, protecting me from what really is by distorting and distracting the present.