Episode Five

But I couldn't tell her what was in my head or my heart. I didn't want to disappoint her. So I ignored that expression and shared with her what I thought she wanted and needed to hear me say.

"Girl, I feel so accomplished. I feel so comfortable now in my skin. That's how I would describe my life and this journey for the past two months. Charmaine, I need to think about where I will live and the career I want to start. Would you agree?"

"Yes, but what about your intimate life? You were one of the most romantic people I know."

"Right now, I'm interested in doing things I haven't done before. I want to travel and see other parts of this island and the world I haven't seen yet. And Charmaine, you wouldn't believe this: for the first time in a long time, I won't have to worry about the man my dad will pick for me to marry! That's a big relief! Now, I'll do whatever I desire and be with who I want and choose. Doesn't that sound like fun?"

"Well, a little. It seems scary, too. Kita, I've never been as brave as you."

"But doesn't bravery look good on me?" I asked teasingly.

"Yes, you've always looked great. You know what you are?"

"No," I snickered.

"You are a trailblazer for the girls on this island!" 

"You too! You are a sweetheart. I couldn't ask for a better friend than you, Charmaine. Girl, I'm scared, but I must do this or be unhappy." 

"Hey, don't forget about me in all this happiness! I know you, Kita. Your words sound all positive, but I know you are thinking in the back of your mind that things went the way they did because you weren't enough, and that's not true. He was a jerk! It's just that simple!"

"Trust me, he has nothing to do with the changes I'm making. Well, I can't say anything, but I want to be free of this town and traditions and this old life! I'm starting anew. I want to purge my old lifestyle and start a new one. I'm changing everything! I plan on making all sorts of donations to consignment shops, the local library, and nursing homes. I am giving away books, clothes, shoes, and jewelry. Anything that is collecting dust and too large, tight, or short."

"Wait, wait, wait a second. You don't plan on becoming a nun or something?" 

"I had to chuckle. "No! But didn't I tell you that I started praying? Well, I only prayed one time. But I think I would have to do more than that to qualify to be a nun. Girl, you are hilarious, Charmaine."

"Since I'm about to move on my own. That will be one of my biggest accomplishments, as you know. I haven't lived alone before, and I'm looking forward to it, Charmaine. I stayed as long as I did with my parents to make them happy. But after what tragically happened to me, I can't stay here. My dad will keep trying to control what I do and who I marry."

"I feel so bad for Mr. Arie; it must be tough on him the most."

"My dad feels guilty about encouraging and insisting I marry that man. But me and my parents have talked it through and out. I told them I needed to find my independence and start making decisions for myself."

"Yeah, I know your parents had difficulty cutting those apron strings. But they seem to be doing okay." 

"Of course, they're worried that I may never want to date or consider marrying someone again, and they are right. That's exactly how I feel. But there's nothing wrong with that." 

"Kita, you had me convinced until you said that part. I'm just letting you know. I won't accept you slipping into an old maid or celibate for the rest of your life and avoiding love. That's not natural! All men are not like Kenneth Cole! You are too smart and beautiful not to become a cherished wife and wonderful mother one day."

"Thank you for those kind words, Charmaine. And you are the best, pick me up. But you know I've asked myself and thought about it. Why do women choose men like Kenneth Cole's in the world? I can't answer that question for every woman. But I realized that there is a common thread we all share. I don't think we choose them. They chose us. They see something deep within our eyes and mannerisms. I'm almost sure of it. Maybe it's the aura we send out. They must know that we lack self-confidence or may have injured self-esteem. Sometimes, we love our town's traditions and rules because we just don't feel good about ourselves despite all the nice clothes and makeup our parents buy for us. 

Some kind of way, those men who don't have confidence themselves want to marry us. The only thing that makes them feel good is dominating someone else. Think about it. They pick up on those inferior signals and make their approach to our fathers. It took me a minute to figure this out. Well, it took me two months to figure that out. Even though I wore fancy clothes and makeup, I looked normal on the outside, and I got a lot of compliments. I lacked inner confidence in myself. I relied on my parents to decide what was best for me. The problem starts at home in most cases."

"But you come from a great family environment with two parents who have taken the best care of you." Charmaine states.

 "Yes, I agree. I come from a wonderful family. Like most families in this town, we have problems, but I was fortunate to be raised by two great people who meant well. But I wasn't allowed enough breathing room to make decisions for myself. I think it gradually led to my plummeting self-esteem, Charmaine. I needed a tutor to catch on to various subjects, and I was teased. It took me a little longer than others to catch on. Over the years of being teased, I lost my confidence, and my self-esteem began its decline from that point on, and I didn't even realize it."

"Hey, we all have our struggles, Kita, and when you catch on to something, you surpass us all! I mean that girl."

"Charmaine, don't worry, I'm more confident now. I've been strengthening my self-esteem, although I still feel I'm not quite there yet. I'm a beautiful work in progress." 

"For sure. So what about Monday? Do you need me to come to court with you?"

"No, I'll be fine. Besides, my parents will be there to give support. At least my mother, for sure. I don't know if my dad is going to come. He'll probably be too embarrassed that I'm the first girl to be taken to court."

"Well, after Monday, I don't think you'll be the last."

"You, think?" 

"Girl, I know it doesn't seem like it, but people are whispering, mainly the female population in town, and it isn't all negative like you think."

"I'm quite sure they have more people who feel like Candance's parents who feel I'm a bad influence than a good one."

"Take my word, things will change in this little old town. All because of you."

"I'm glad you're so sure about it because I'm not. "

"And the court is going only to take it to another level."

"Oh, speaking of court. Make sure you transfer at least the two thousand into my bank account. Here's my account number. Because if it isn't there, I must do the unthinkable!" 

"What's that? Apologize." 

"No! Go to prison!" 

We both fell out laughing. So loud that we drew the attention of other people to our table, and in that small town, talk spreads like wildfire! But little do Charmaine know I thought long and hard about it! I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of making him feel like he's won anyway!

"Well, my darling. I have a lot to prepare for. Are you ready to leave here so I can prepare for Monday?"

"Yes."

"Breakfast is on me this morning. I don't need you spending the money you must send me!"

"Do you have it?"

"No, not really. But you are worth it." I tell Charmaine. 

"Hug me. Kita, it's going to be okay." 

All I could think in my head and heart as she said those words. Will it?