I made my way back to the office alone, feeling more optimistic than I have in over a month. I tried to ignore it, but the last few weeks had me in a sort of state of emotional limbo. The experience of having a part of my life plan ripped away and significant aspects of my world view altered had truly emotionally and mentally exhausted me. The only time I wasn’t at an emotional flat line, I was riding the very deep dips. But not right now. Right now I find myself on an upward trend. I allow myself to revel in the hope that my life didn’t go to complete shit a month ago. Maybe everything didn’t go as planned; I may not get the full package where I’d return to the ranch style home, family, and doting husband after a long days work in a fulfilling career. But I can still have the fulfilling career.And goddammit, does it feel fulfilling right now.I make a beeline for Rachel’s office. As I walk past her assistant, Micheal, he gives me a nod to indicate that she is available. I do not wa
The past few days have been a rollercoaster of emotions for me; caught between feeling excited for the new business opportunity and sad about some of the things that came with it.Not talking to Rachel for the past few days has been a relatively easy task to accomplish. It was hard, emotionally, having our last conversation play in my head over and over like broken record; not allowing me to escape all feelings of that day. But both of us were genuinely busy during this past week, so there was no ducking or diving around the office to avoid each other. Neither of us just made the effort to reach out to the other, and that seems to have worked out best. We both needed the space.However, that comes to an end today.Today we were supposed to be meeting with the team from HephaesTech to discuss the specifics of the contract and for them to give us an actual project brief.I was in the main boardroom, going through a final round of checks to make sure everything was in order before every
I am woken up close to noon on Saturday morning by the sound of someone knocking at my door. I try my best to ignore it, choosing to cower under my sheets where its warm rather than going out there and facing the world that is becoming increasingly colder and colder. It may be mid-autumn; but the weather, especially in the mornings, was a biting prelude to winter.Besides, I am exhausted. This last, very busy, week had taken a lot out of me. Outside of the physical toll, everything that had happened had also emotionally exhausted me. Old feelings and very confusing new ones had my head in a spin by the time Friday rolled around. So much so that I couldn’t even make it to Melody Line.I wasn’t in the right headspace to be interacting with everyone, especially Rachel.I still very much needed that space that I asked her for, and I didn’t think it would be fair to subject Emma and Rory to the awkwardness that undoubtedly still exists between us.I just wasn’t in the mood for celebratio
The last few weeks had me embarking on a slow and tedious up and up. Before that day when Emma essentially broke into my apartment, I hadn’t realised just how much energy I spent trying to emotionally mute myself so I could put up a strong front for everyone else. Including my friends.Emma has known me my entire life. I don’t know why I felt the need for the performance with her. But she let me know that it is something I’ve done for most of the time that she has known me. Emotionally shut down and refuse to acknowledge that I even had them. It is probably a side-effect from growing up in a family like mine. Having everyone around you looking at you, studying you for weaknesses they could exploit or secrets they could sell to the highest bidder if they couldn’t extort you themselves. Naturally that didn’t breed an envrionment that could produce a person that was capable of asking for help.Emotions were a weakness. Just another thing that unsavory characters could use against you. M
It seems I may have underestimated what is going on between Rachel and Dominic as just a crush on her part. It appears as though the feeling is reciprocated.I have been staring at them for the last ten minutes as they were engrossed in their own conversation that Alec and I were not a part of. Seemingly too concerned with each other to remember that we were even there.“I thought this was supposed to be a meeting.” I say to Alec next to me.“It is.” He says, much too absorbed in the endless options on the dessert menu— even though we hadn’t even gotten our entrées yet— to even notice the two lovebirds at our table.“Then why do I feel like we are third wheeling their date?” I ask just as Rachel giggled at something Dominic said. Full on dainty schoolgirl giggle. A sound I haven’t heard her make since she was actually a schoolgirl.Alec finally looks up from his food quest to look at them and then me. “We don’t have to be third wheels, this could be like a double date.” He smiles.“Yo
Sunday came way too soon.I found myself sitting in the pews of the very same church I got cheated on in. Sitting in the row behind my parents. Close enough that people would assume the image of a perfect family that my mother wanted to portray, without having to sit next to her and subject myself to her direct scrutiny.Sunday mass has been a requirement that I did not miss fulfilling. Mass once a month and on major holidays; a requirement borne out of my duty to my brother, and no one else.If it were up to me I wouldn’t be here; not in this specific church, at least. I would have loved to completely sever my ties to my family’s public image. But when I tried, my mother absolutely hounded George, demanding he make attempt to drag me to this and that social event by my hair, kicking and screaming, if he had to. He’d always defended me against her, rebuffing her demands, but I could tell it really wore him out; and that made me feel bad. He shouldn’t have to suffer for my social fat
I did get a text from my mother soon after I left the church, but I didn’t open it. What good would that do anyway? I already know what it says. She probably just sent a long winded text about how I embarrassed her and our family. And she, more than likely, is ranting about how my non-wedding put our family in this position in the first place and a whole other manner of unhelpful things that I just don’t want to see. Opening up her text would just make an already emotionally exhausting day even shittier. And this week was going so well. At the risk of jinxing it, I will admit that I had been feeling different lately. I wasn’t just distracting myself. Emma had been basically forcing me to “deal with my shit”, as she’d put it, for the last month. I can’t say that it was comfortable, it was hard as hell, but I need it. It feels like tearing down a building block sculpture you spent so much time on because some of the pieces came out or don’t fit right anymore. So now it’s time to
Alec She likes to say that I am a bother, but I don’t think she minds my continued presence as much as she says she says she does. She thinks I don’t notice all of the shy smiles she tries so hard to stifle behind that polite porcelain demeanour she presents to everyone else. I suppose I should be honoured, she only seems to let her mask slip slightly when she is with her friends, perhaps a little more in private settings but I wouldn’t know. I would like to, though. But I can’t. I’m supposed to be honouring her request for professionalism, not barging into her office every few days for impromptu conversation. Truthfully I don’t know why I’m doing this. A part of me feels obligated to check on both sides of this burnt bridge. Cam for obvious reasons, but I feel compelled to check on Dariana as the only one in my family who hasn’t completely written her off— aside from Rory. But Rory and Cam aren’t on speaking terms, and she’s the only person other than me who knows about